A SMOKING HEALING YOGI

I knew this was coming.  When I wasn’t sure and today I didn’t think it was, but this healing shit is something else!  LOL!!  It comes when it is time and nothing you can do about it! 

I have been smoking on and off since I was 13 years old.  I had years of not smoking then went back.  I started yoga about 15 years ago and I was a smoking yogi.  Couldn’t wait to smoke a cigarette after practice.  How insane does that sound?  But that is the truth.  I journal and post these words because authenticity is what the world needs.  It is what I need for myself and love from others.  This is me.  I don’t ever hide it or lie about it, but I don’t put it out there in front of me either.  It isn’t who I am, that is for sure.  I have struggled with this for many moons.  Being a yogi and a yoga teacher does not mean you are perfect.  Where this thinking came from is beyond me.  We are all walking each other home and healing through this life.  Judging another is judging yourself.  If you bring that to this space please go judge elsewhere. 

We all struggle with those things we hold onto.  This is mine.  This cigarette has controlled my life for so long.  It is a representation of me holding on.  Me trying to control.  Me holding fast to sanity and I AM GOING TO BE OKAY.  Because I have this cigarette.  It is my safety.  It is my friend.  It is what I reach for when those nerves start going crazy.  This is the truth. 

So this morning I didn’t know what I was going to do.  Rest, Yoga…whatever.  Going to go with how I was feeling.  But my big thing that I was going to accomplish was I was switching to vaping only with no nicotine.  Hadn’t had a cigarette since around 5pm the night before.  I woke up this morning all is good.  Played around on social media early this morning and THEN….

I went into the kitchen to get another cup of coffee.  I had just read an email about things we have to prepare for in our training.  All good stuff.  Just things to do.  Well here is Eileen…

TIME?

I can’t do this?

I am not healed. How can I help others?

Overwhelmed?

I need a cigarette!!!  OMG…I was wandering around the kitchen like a body without a brain…lol..what do I do…I want to cry…all these emotions were coming up and I was like what the hell shit is going on.  I know enough about my body and my mind and nicotine and what the truth of all that is…..for myself and what I have learned it is not the nicotine at all that I crave.  I learned this when I went from Marlboro’s to American Spirit cigs.  When I quit and went back to the Marlboro’s I was high as a kite on my first puff.  When I quit and went back to the American Spirit cigs it was nothing.  No hit, not high, nothing.  I learned right here that the chemicals make a difference and that the entire thing I do is in my mind.  It affects my body, yes, but not like we are told it does.  It is a stimulant, yes.  But it also relaxes me because of the breath work.  I will explain more at the end of this writing.

Back to the kitchen.  I am wandering around, all in my feelings and I am letting myself feel my feelings for the first time really.  OMG the pain that was associated was deep and real.  My husband was getting ready for work.  I go outside and light a cigarette trying to make them stop…and yes, I know I should not do that.  I was trying to wait until my husband went to work, not because I can’t share this with him, but because I didn’t think he would understand.  Well, whatever….the tears started flowing.  I texted my friend and she helped me, but the tears started and my husband came outside.  I told him what was happening and he hugged/held me and comforted me.  But I knew I wasn’t done yet for today. 

I couldn’t even tell you what I was feeling.  Deep sadness for real!  A deep pain in my chest and body, yes.  A feeling of hopelessness as well.

After my hubby left I came into my yoga room.  Time for a TRE session.  Yup, I knew that.  I did the 7 TRE exercises and added some that I wanted to do, including the hammock.  The advanced forward inversion that I love that opens up my hips.  I started crying again in that pose. 

After that I went into a session.  I think this one was long.  Probably thirty minutes or longer, but I needed it.  This was DEEP.  I was grateful, because this session was the first DEEP session I have had by myself.  This is showing me that I am learning to trust myself more as well.  That my safety is true.  That I am safe. 

Well, let's go back to 1983.  There I was at a skater's choice skating rink in South Jersey.  In the yellow booth with all my friends.  And yes, back then we were kids smoking at a skating rink.  Nobody said anything back then. 

So there I am.  I am a teenager and having my first smoke ever.  I remember that day like it was yesterday, but today I let myself feel what was going on.  This teenager/me was in so much pain.  So sad and so angry and had no control whatsoever in her life.  I went back to that moment during my session and I felt it all.  I let myself feel my feelings I could not feel back then.  It was A LOT!  Deep down pain and sadness.  I let it all come out.  Wewww…trying to put this on paper is hard…it was very intense. 

I had to see her, feel her and be her again so I could heal this part of me. 

My higher self came and held me as I cried in the very beginning and then some.  Because truthfully I was back to being a teenager for those moments.  She held me as I cried and cried.  I felt it and I felt it.  I had to let her know that she is safe now and that she doesn’t need to hold on anymore.  That she can be who she is.  I thanked her for taking care of me the best she could and that now we will do this together.  We don’t need to control anymore.  We don’t need to be scared anymore.  We don’t have to live in fear every minute of every day anymore.  I had to say these things out loud.  I just had to do it.

I had to let her go…I had to integrate my beautiful sweet girl who was terrified all of the time into my being.  Let her know she is safe.  Let her know she is loved.  I had to let her go..

It was beautiful and gut wrenching all at the same time….

My body during this time did whatever it did.  LOL…truthfully I don’t know what it was doing, but I know it was helping me work out the healing in my body that I needed from this moment in my life, and knowing that…I am good with it.  A few times I had to move my arms up to the sky and I just did what I felt like I needed to do.  I even saw my teenager look back at me…and I had to say goodbye to her and thank her again…now it is time to fly ... .we can do this together safely now. 

It truly was an amazing session….I am so grateful for…

What happens from here remains to be seen….

Healing is not easy…and it is true that when it is time and my body has had enough…the feelings are coming…and nothing is going to stop them….

Layer by layer….the onion is being peeled…

As for smoking….we will see….I can tell you that I am different after today’s session…heck, I am different after every session! 

I am still in my yoga room right now…

After the session my senses really wanted some more drumming so I did that and my bell…..a certain beat on the drum went right to my nervous system….I felt it…it was amazing….

I am adding a video below in reference to what I had stated above about the calm from smoking….check it out…it is breath work, but we don’t realize it….