Somatic Healing

You will find many definitions of Somatic Healing all over the internet, but here is one that I love because I am reading one of his books right now…

Somatic Experiencing is a specific approach developed by therapist Peter Levine that focuses on the physiological aspects of trauma.

After all this time a light bulb went off today for me and it finally clicked.  I really don’t need to say finally, but let’s say that something finally really made sense to me today. 

I had a session with Laureen today and as usual it was very fabulous and life changing.  It brought some things together for me that I was able to connect some dots. 

My sessions with my lovely ladies I see for my therapy are very wonderful human beings.  I feel completely safe with both of them and when I do a session with either one of them I really let go.

The last post I did was one that I was finally able to let go myself and go deep.  When I am with people that I trust I can go very deep.  The other day was the first time by myself.

What clicked for me today is this….

This body healing is separate and succinct.

Body healing is simply what it is.  Body healing. MY body when it tremors is taking over and healing those parts of my body where I have stored years of crap for this trauma and that trauma all through my life.  If I didn’t process the trauma then it stays with me in my body.  TRE/NEUROGENIC YOGA helps to facilitate my body to release and let go of that unhealed trauma.  This is why I feel so good after each session.  My body is releasing so much crud that it has been holding onto since I was a child, and generational as well.  If you don’t understand that, please send me an email if you want to talk about that.

What I learned today is that what I see in my sessions is wonderful and helpful to what my body is doing, BUT…here comes the big but….

…It is separate from what my body is working through. 

Confused yet?

What I mean is that I need to feel those body sensations and be IN MY BODY.  Not wandering around in a wonderful space that I call ‘the Eileen world.’  This is a wonderful space and I feel very fortunate to have this space and the openness to see and understand exactly what I am healing.  What I see and process, some would say, ‘you are crazy,’ I know I am not.  I can see things.  I have been seeing things for a very long time.  Actually throughout my life I have been.  A knowing.  An understanding that what we see here is NOT ALL OF WHAT IS available to us.

With that being said…I will go over the other day's session (my last post) and then I will go through my session today…quick recap of my last post….

…It dealt with smoking.  MY control, my fear back then being a teenager full of emotions I couldn’t do anything with.  Angry to say the least.  When I was processing all this I spent the entire session in my story around it.  I rested, yes, but I stayed in the vision and didn’t pay attention to my body.  If you go to that post I say pretty much exactly that.  I just let it do its thing.  This entire time I was looking for this subtle tremoring that feels really good in my body, but I couldn’t find it.  Now, don’t get me wrong it was great and the shaking is healing in my body, but I couldn’t exactly go where I needed to go and I knew it, but I couldn’t put it into words.

Session today.  Laureen was very great with me today.  I am so thankful for her.  I had my vision and my pain that went along with it.  It was when I was ignored in my house as a little girl for a month.  Standing in my kitchen and nobody is talking to me and I am like WTF??  No wonder I have had abandonment issues my entire life that I have been working through.  The two people in my house who were to love me left me high and dry because I said something they didn’t like.   This started very young and continued into my teenage years! This was something that went on throughout my childhood.  Say something someone doesn’t like and you get ignored.  So I learned to not say anything.  If I did nobody loved me and I was alone inside this big house. 

I cried a lot…a lot…I needed to do that for myself.  Laureen guided me into rest and that is when it clicked.  Yes…the story around it needs to be addressed and seen, but not carried through till the end.  The key is to let go and let MY body do its thing and FEEL MY BODY and that is what I did.  I was able to let my story go around what happened and be right there in the room.  Feeling the sensations in my body.  My body needs subtle soft.  EILEEN HAS ALWAYS BEEN BIG AND DELIGHTFUL!  LOL!  Loud and here I am, world! 

These little sensations in my body feel so good, because NOTHING IS BIG.  It is subtle sensation that I feel. In my fingers and hands especially….and that makes me so happy.  I can feel the energy/my nervous system healing and opening spaces in my fingers and hands that had no space.  I have been holding on for years.  Gripping in my mind and in my body.  When I let the story go…my body slowed down so I could then feel and be in my body.  My hands felt heavy and supported.  My fingers opened up more.  Everything was tingling as energy was moving through the spaces where it was just CRUD. 

It is hard to put into words these feelings in the body.  I had one more beautiful quick vision during this soft time..this time of subtle movement throughout my body and it was this…I could see my little Eileen slowing down…being slow…breathing…and coming together within myself.  This softness was so friggen amazing.  It is something I have never been in my life.  HARD, STRONG, CONFIDENT, DISCIPLINED…these are more of the words used to describe me prior.  I now understand that the real me doesn’t need to be so TOUGH anymore.  Like I am trying to prove something.  NOBODY is going to hurt me again…stuff like that.  What I am seeing is that integrating my sweet girl with myself, which is who I am anyway…is bringing a softness back into my being.  A trust and knowing that in softness is MASSIVE strength.  Eileen in the past can walk down the hall and look like she is going to kick ass.  The Eileen I am becoming can kick ass and be the love and softness at the same time, because their is not the protection needed for myself anymore.  I am safe and I can be FREE of this NEED TO BE TOUGH…or look like it!  LOL!

With that being said I don’t think I am doing any yoga this week.  I am taking off this week.  I am tired.  Not physically really, but mentally.  I am mentally tired of always having to be doing something.  Always have my day planned.  Always scheduling this and that.  This week I don’t feel like it.  I am going to do whatever I want to do, but I am taking a break.  I have discipline…that is something I HAVE ALWAYS HAD.  Now I am learning that I don’t have to be so friggen disciplined!  Discipline for me is the same as control.  I will figure the healthy version of it when I am ready, but for now I am letting go of the need to always have to be practicing and thinking that I HAVE TO DO.  Yes, my practice is very spiritual for me, and yes I will be back to it, but for now, for this week…it is about letting go of it all and doing my tremoring and studying and resting.  That’s not too shabby!  LOL

I learned a lot today about the tremoring and how this experience will help me to be a good teacher and co-healer with another.  This I do see.