You can’t rush your healing….

Thank you Lindsay for this beautiful song by Trevor Hall, You Can’t Rush Your Healing…video/song is below…

I had a very healing session with Lindsay yesterday.  I pretty much knew what was going to come up, because my subconscious does give me clues.  It just comes up in my brain more often and as Lindsay says…preparing me for my next mountain to climb.

This mountain was one that I have carried with me since I was a little girl.  Our house was always filled with screaming and yelling and fighting.  It was very awful for the most part.  Back then I used to think, thank god dad is gone so we can have peace. 

When these altercations would occur my sister and I would run to my bedroom.  I would stand at the mirror and laugh at myself the entire time.  My sister would sit and cry in the corner.  I could do nothing for her.  I couldn’t do anything for myself. 

UP TILL YESTERDAY my automatic response to any kind of sadness, trauma or anything was to laugh.  This is how I have always dealt with stress.  You can ask my girlfriends from back in the day up till now.  YUP…that is Eileen!  I have laughed at funerals.  I have laughed when my girlfriend struck a bicyclist in the street that pulled out in front of us going about 50.  I still remember her screaming at me asking me why I am laughing.

Yesterday during my tremoring session it came.  Me in the room with my sister.  She is in the corner and I am in front of the mirror.  Same room…same dresser and I was 8 years old.  When I came into the room I kept wanting to go to my sister and help her.  In fact my body was trying to do this, turn and go to her and my head was turned looking at her.

I could not go.  All I could hear in my head was WHAT ABOUT YOU?  WHAT ABOUT YOU?  WHAT ABOUT YOU?  WHAT ABOUT YOU?  Over and over again…it would not stop…I fought this off and on for a while…What about me?  What about me?

Then I looked in the mirror and the tears came flooding out.  OMG did they come rushing out.  I cried from my belly and from my soul.  I cried the way I should have been able to cry as a young child, being scared to death. 

All I wanted back then was to have someone come and hold me and tell me that I was safe.  Safe?  What was that?  It obviously was in other people’s houses, I thought back then, but certainly not in our house.  I wanted someone to help me to know that I was okay and that it was all a bad dream and that all will be okay. 

While in session Lindsay came over when I said out loud that what I needed was someone to hold me and tell me that it was going to be okay.  Thank you Lindsay for that.  That is what I needed. 

Once I let my feelings and needs out and Lindsay comforted me through it all.  I walked out of the room and the house was empty now.  I wasn’t scared anymore.  I let my sister go and realized that she is safe now.  I cannot save her, and it was never my job to save her.  I couldn’t save myself, let alone her.  I walked through this house, not scared anymore.  I walked into almost all the rooms, but I knew that they were all clear and safe rooms.  Lindsay had me find light in my heart to go through each room in the house.  It was beautiful. 

I was still in the house, but my higher self was outside the house on the street.  She really is beautiful.  I am beautiful.  With a beautiful dress on.  It was in the moonlight.  I don’t know why it was the particular time of the day, but it was beautiful moonlight.  She waited for me outside the house.  I knew this. 

We were together.  My little girl and my big girl.  She knelt down to my level.  No words were said between us at this time, but boy did I have a lot going on in my head!  I had to say goodbye to my little girl who now knows she is safe and protected and doesn’t need to be scared anymore.

I ain’t going to lie.  This was like pulling teeth y’all!  I knew what I needed to do, but I had been holding onto her for so long.  I had to say things out loud here as well.  I just had to do it that way…..

SWEET GIRL

That was me and that is what I said…sweet girl…

I thanked her for taking care of me to this point, but I am a big girl now and I don’t need to be afraid any longer.  I can’t hold onto you anymore and I said goodbye. 

These words make it sound so easy…lol…it wasn’t, but I did it!  I cried a lot again, but I was setting my own self free but the bondage I had put myself in. The house as well…that house had to be taken care of as well.  No hold on me…release it all…

I let her go and I became the beautiful grown up/higher self me that was standing outside the house filled with light and total love, and I have to say, authority as well.  Mature and knowing and confident, yet humble. 

The little girl will always be with me, but I do not have to be afraid anymore, or live in fear any longer.  The reins are with me now.  I am that safe and loving beautiful ray of light filled with complete love.  That is me…and I love that and I love me.

My body was still tremoring through this entire session, but I couldn’t tell you what it was doing on its own.  I am good with that, because I trust my body to do what it needs and as I was working through this trauma my body was shaking the way it needed to do so for me to feel and work through it all.

I will be doing another post tomorrow.  I have too much to share outside of sessions about what has changed for me in these months. 

I am very grateful….

What I know is that I am healing myself as I go through this entire training….and at times I can let myself become overwhelmed…but then I remember who I am…I breathe and know that spirit has me….I have me…and I am surrounded by the most loving and beautiful friends anyone could know.  And on top of that…a husband who adores me and I him.  He lets me be me…doesn’t try to change me and supports me 100%.  How blessed a woman am I! 

Namaste…