What have I learned so far?

This journaling will go the way it goes….I have learned so much in these months and since I have started training it has accelerated even more….

I have learned that all of this is inner child work/shadow work.  For me these are the same thing.  Shadow work is not bad and not evil.  It is looking at yourself and understanding why we react a certain way.  It's looking at all of your masks and learning how to come from action and not reaction, because of your pain from childhood. 

From my very first session I cried for my sweet girl who was never heard or understood.  The sweet girl who was never allowed to feel anything, let alone speak about it.  I cried for the pain of screaming because I wanted to be heard.  Could be why I am a very loud woman now.  LOL!  I will take that and wear it with fabulousness!

I learned that being strong is not the answer when the strength is coming from pain and loss or negativity.  Being strong and coming from love is where its at.  Walking around with armor on is just protection and comes from fear.  After all these years I never knew that I was still holding on so tightly to this idea of myself!  If I portray this then nobody will hurt me kind of thing. 

I had no idea that my body was still living in fight or flight.  Now I say this and I have spent many years healing myself.  I have been in major fight or flight in the past.  I was not like that anymore, but I was still in it…just not as bad as when I was in my twenties.  But I still needed to heal my nervous system so badly.

I learned that I have several trauma events in my life that have been imprinted on me.  I have dealt with a few of them so far and I am ready for the next wave when the time has come, but these situations are ones that had/have wounded me deeply and that is why I say they have been imprinted on me.  The ones that are left will come when I am ready for them and I am safe to do so.  I am not going to rush anything.  My body and my spirit knows the wave I ride….and I am riding it and smiling and crying through it all…and yelling!  LOL!

I have learned that my subconscious mind will give me hints of what is coming so I can prepare myself just a little for what my next experience may be. 

I have learned that nothing is wrong with me.

I have learned that my nervous system has just been short-circuited and was behaving in a way of survival since I was a kid.  Nothing is wrong with me.  I am rewiring my brain and training my nervous system to understand and know that I am safe.  That nervous system is my sweet girl/inner child work.

I have learned to truly embody who I am.  My fingers, my hands, and all of me are a miracle of life.  Look at me.  Feel my body.  What is it telling me?  Take up space.  Where am I?  What is in front of you, what are you seeing?  What does this feel like when I rub my arm? 

I have learned that being in the WOW moment is like being a child.  That is where I always want to be.  In wonder.  In excitement.  In life truly…like a child..with big eyes and wonder in everything.  When I am here everything is intensified.  I see clearer and I feel everything and I love these moments.  This will start to be who I am every moment.  I do see that…

I learned that group sessions are completely different then one on one TRE sessions.  And these two are completely different then when you do a session alone.  They are all fabulous and work the same within our bodies, we just explore differently in each one. 

I have learned that when I let go and trust my body it will tell me all I need to know.  In session it will do as it will do and I let it be and let it happen.  My body is amazing and it will do EXACTLY what it needs to do.  Our bodies are wonderfully made! 

I have learned to let each session, whether alone, in a group, or one on one, be what it is ... .messy session is a messy session…whatever…love myself through it all ... .love myself through it all.  No expectations, but an inner knowing that I am good.  I am okay, and I am safe and it is okay to be whatever this is right now.  Just be okay with it and love myself through it.

I have learned that the NEUROGENIC Yoga sessions are very healing and safe and slow and fun and I need them.  It slows me down and feels really good in my body.  The tremoring is fun when I am standing up.  I totally love that! 

I have learned that I constantly need my own validation!  I was always on the outside validation thing.  I don’t crave this too much, probably a little, but not much so I didn’t realize this was me until I lost my shit wanting to go practice and then hearing my body scream at me Eileen you need to rest!  But no…..I need to practice….but no…you need to rest.  I sat outside my house in the chair thinking about this.  Observing my body and emotions.  Why is it so hard for me to listen to my body?  Why can’t I just rest?  Why do I constantly need to keep doing?  Check this box off, check that box off…bla bla bla….

I am not saying that my yoga practice is not important.  It is!  I have the discipline thing down.  I don’t have a discipline problem.  I have had a listening to Eileen problem.  I have had a listening to Eileen’s body problem, because hey Yoga is good right?  I need to do it.  Once I do that all will be okay, right?

Yes and know.  Everything will be okay if Eileen misses a practice.  Eileen will be okay if she misses a couple of practices.  Eileen is okay now.  Not because of something.  Eileen is whole and complete now with or without it.  REST…..my spirit is telling me even as I type this…it is very important that I make time for rest right now.  I need to listen and I am and will continue to do so, but I truly needed to understand the reasons why I behaved this way. 

I have learned to say out loud…

Eileen you are safe.

Eileen you are whole.

Eileen you are complete.

Eileen you are worthy.

Those are the main one’s for me and I say them when I need to say them….speaking to myself has helped greatly in calming my nervous system….

Starting my day off with intention….

SHOW ME HOW GOOD IT GETS SPIRIT ... .upon waking up ... .has changed my mindset all day long….I continue to say this daily and more then once a day…a thank you to my friend Lindsay…

GRATITUDE-RELEASING -INTENTION when I go to sleep…

Affirmation of gratitude for blessings…

Affirmation of releasing all negativity…

Affirmation of intention upon waking up…peace and clarity are who I am…

What I have received from starting this TRE/NEUROGENIC YOGA dance is that I am worth all this crying and screaming and yelling that I have been doing.  I am worth the moments that I feel like I cannot do this anymore, because I am scared that I can’t do it.  I am worth putting the time in to be authentically me and that means all of me…especially the me I don’t want to see.

I have received the gift of knowing and understanding that it does not happen overnight and that I can breathe and know that all of this will unfold as it needs to.

I have received the gift of understanding that nothing is wrong with me and that my brain/nervous system just needs to be healed so I can be who I truly am.

I have received the gift of knowing to live is to observe and know yourself from the inside out and the ‘bad’ things I see are not ‘bad’ at all, but those things that I need to look at so I can understand the ‘why’ of me and my reactions and triggers.

I have received the gift of knowing that my body knows all things and can heal me. My body is wise beyond words.  My body will protect me and heal me.

I have received the gift of understanding others and knowing I can’t save them, but I can plant seeds and help others who reach out to me.  I can come from a space of love.

I have received the gift of seeing myself as I truly am.

I have received the gift of seeing my sweet girl/inner child and understanding her pain and knowing now that I am safe and whole and she just needed to know this and believe it.

I have received the gift of knowing that we are all energy.  Feeling my body tremoring big and small.  We are all energy!  I am beginning to get a clearer understanding of  this now. 

I could go on and on it seems, but I will end here….

For those that have made it to the end I had no idea what was going to happen when I started TRE 4 months ago.  I knew I was going to do it, had to do it, and that it was something in my soul…a knowing that this was exactly where I was supposed to be. 

And here I am….

Healing…

And one day ... .as I do help others heal now…this I know…my abilities will grow, because I am growing and I will help others to heal themselves in the same way.  Energetically. 

Namaste…