I am tired…updated…

This is a totally unplanned blog. I need to get this out to understand myself a little better here. I am very emotional right now and I need to get this out on paper (computer). :)

I am very tired. My body is very tired. I need to rest. This I know.

But I have so much to do!

Could be it be that I am training and lets see…I am in training. I am working on myself. I have things to do for training and that includes journaling and reading and practicing my TRE/Neuorgenic Yoga. I work a full time job with a crazy schedule of 7 on and 7 off and on those weeks I come home from working a long day gone from the house from 5am till 630pm or later sometimes and for two of those seven days I teach yoga at 7pm and two of those days I come home and practice my TRE. The three days I have left I sit with my husband and spend time with him for two days and maybe just maybe if I have the energy I will practice my own practice at hotworx or at home.

On my week off I read and journal and I teach yoga and I go to pilates and do those things I need to do to take care of me. I meet for my own sessions with two fabulous ladies when I can so I can have a witness through my tremoring sessions. These are very healing for me.

And yet during those 7 days I need to do my yoga. I need to get to hotworx for the heat and I feel like I have to do this several times in my 7 days because that is all I have and it is important to me.

But here I sit and I am so tired. I have so much to do and I don’t know what to do? I need to practice. My body is telling me I don’t need to practice right now. I need to rest. I am resisting this so much. Why?

Why is it so hard for me to listen to what it is telling me? Right now I need to get my dogs and jump into bed and go to sleep and take a nap until my body gets up and you know what? I am going to do this. Then I am going to get in the pool and float.

But I don’t want to do this. Because I have so much to do. I need to move my body and I need to do my yoga practice. I need to this…I need to do that….bla bla bla…when my body is simply telling me no you don’t. You need to rest.

What do I think will happen if I don’t practice?

You will get fat?

You will become a slacker?

You are not disciplined?

You are bad if you don’t take care of yourself?

You aren’t doing what you are supposed to be doing?

Go go go….

Don’t stop….

I am curious about this. I go against what I truly need, because I think I know better than my body knows? If I practice it will make me stronger then I am already? Why do I need to keep doing?

I am a human being not a human doer. I cannot do it all right now. But I can take care of me and that means it is time to go to sleep and that is what I am going to do. I will remain curious about this because I don’t want to be a robot anymore. I want to be a human being who listens to her body and responds from there. This is not about discipline for me. I have discipline. This is about caring for myself. Owning my body. Listening to it and taking care of it.

My ego brain right now…but you need to do it…..

No I don’t….I am going to rest…..

*****updated****** 10/17/25

So, I rested and slept for a good hour and I didn’t do anything major all day. It was really nice. It was also tough, but I did it. I didn’t listen to my ego brain telling me I needed to do and do and do some more….

I am realizing how much I SELF VALIDATE. As long as I keep moving I can feel good about myself because I am being productive and producing results. Checking the boxes off one at a time. Doing my Yoga. My discipline. Heck…I have discipline….that is not what this about. This is about self care. This is about taking care of my body and listening to it.

After months of TRE I cannot run from myself anymore and I cannot even if I wanted to do so. I am in my face constantly. Seeing, understanding, and knowing things about myself that I may not like. It is very uncomfortable, but that is what this is all about. Taking those masks off and healing my inner child.

No wonder I am tired. I am doing so much. I need to listen to my body when it is telling me to rest or get my ass up and move. There is a reason for it and damn if I am not going to listen. I have NOT LISTENED long enough.

Since my last session on Monday where I had some major inner child work with my father and very subtle beautiful tremors in my body I have actually slept!!! I have not slept like this in probably ten years and I am not exaggerating in the slightest bit. I am sleeping. Not perfect, but better then I have in a long time and it feels good. I am releasing so much from my body and it works!

I am also feeling things in my body differently, walking differently. Slowing down and paying attention how I walk. My feet are a big issue and I will post on that at some point, but suffice to say I have issues with them and I am working on them. Anyway, heal to toe, slow down…why am in such a hurry?

I woke up in the middle of the night hungry and I went and ate. My body was telling me that I needed to put some subsistence in it and I did…all the while my crazy brain is like…

oooooo you broke your fast….

oooooo you shouldn’t be eating this late at night….

oooooo you won’t sleep right now….

BLA BLA BLA…

Guess what I ate…because I needed it and I knew it and I slept like a baby…..

I am so done with being in a hurry for nothing anymore. I am so done with just being on auto pilot doing this and that. I am slowing down now and listening and my brain is rewiring into the healthy way it should be and I am riding this wave….

This photo above is of me…I colored this about two months ago…its like the mask I wear to protect myself…the one I am in public and the one I am in private. I am pretty real compared to what I used to be, but now its deep and real and the truly authentic Eileen is coming out. All those marks and bruises on me are my scars and crap that are in color…because you want to know why….they are beautiful…they are me and all my colors are coming together and I am loving myself through it all…namaste.