Healing is challenging and worth it….
This post will be a combination of everything. My last TRE session and where I am today with it all….
I had my last TRE session with Jennica and it was great. Two reasons why it was great….
I got over my fear of teaching my teacher! THIS is one of my biggest fears! LOL. I wasn’t as terrified as I was when I went to my first teacher training, but boy does that brain start going and get you thinking and not in a good way. I needed to do it and I did it and I loved it.
The session itself was very soothing to my soul and body.
I will expand on both…
My old fear of being in front of people is not the same as it was. You ask, how can you be a yoga teacher and be afraid of being in front of people? LOL..omg! But this is the truth of who I was back years ago. I had no voice, NOTHING. And when I said nothing I had nothing at all. I could not speak. Not until the very last class in my 1st teacher training. Now here I am years later. I have been through TWO big teacher training sessions now and I have changed and grown through each one, but that little girl/ego of mine…got to love her…oh my goodness, what if you mess up, what if it’s awful. You don’t know what you are doing? What if you freeze like in the first training? All these things come into my mind. And you know what I did…I took a deep breath and said not today! I didn’t entertain those thoughts this time around. I am a very good yoga teacher. I am a very loving yoga teacher. I come from my heart and what resonates within myself. This is why I am a good yoga teacher. I cannot speak from what does not speak to me. People can tell a fake a mile away. Being real, being vulnerable. Saying it like it is. Being yourself helps others to be themselves. I am loud, I am who I am.
This doesn’t mean I don’t get nervous. I do sometimes, but I teach the class. I was nervous with Jennica, but I taught the class. Even though she might not have been able to tell, my heartbeat was higher than normal. I could hear my voice crack a few times and my belly was nervous etc…
But I did it. I did it because I have to do it. I did it because that uncomfortable feeling is called growth and facing your fears. I did it because I am ready for the next step in my journey through this process of healing and becoming a certified NEUROGENIC/TRE Instructor. I am called to do this and I know it and I know that doesn’t mean it will be easy, in fact I know it will be hard. I have to face my shit head on and YES I am ready. I am ready. Bring it! LOL. I will actually say more about this later.
I do not grow being comfortable. I will not be able to help others who are ready to heal themselves, heal if I don’t do this work.
But the most important thing is this. I want to live! I want to be living from Eileen. Not from my wounds. Not from my past. Not from my masks. I am doing this for me. All the other stuff is just juicy wonderfulness that comes afterward and I am all for that, but this is about me…and Eileen is taking the time to heal through this entire process.
I am still smoking, but not for much longer.
I have grown in so many ways. I am stronger. This stronger is now the combination of both my masculine traits and my feminine traits. I have MASTERED the masculine in me…LOL…now it is time for the feminine. I am integrating both now. I am not there 100% yet, but I am getting to that point. I feel it. I see it. I am not in protective/masculine all of the time anymore. I have slowed down. I am not in fight or flight like I was…although I still am. Get to that later…I am right where I need to be.
My session with Jennica was great, because I conquered that fear and did a 30 minute yoga class with her before we did my TRE session. I did what resonated with me and feels good in my body and will be the shell of what I will teach when I bring these classes here. It is a start and I am happy with it.
Right before she called me out of resting after shaking I was floating in the air held by my hands and feet. Just chilling and resting and completely relaxed. I say that and I was, but I do have some subtle tremoring going on in my lips and jaw and they feel good and safe. By the time I am done resting they are gone. I believe these tremors are healing my throat Chakra. I am getting my voice back now. Feeling the sensations in my body and allowing myself to let my body do what it does is very relaxing to me. I am understanding now that my body sensations and connection are getting stronger. My ability to voice what I feel in those sensations is where I need work. Being able to voice what I feel in my body is something I am not used to doing. This is my work. What am I actually feeling? My hips? My lower back? This is my work right now and I am getting there. Spending 50 years not listening or understanding this body of mine will do that to you! BUT I am working through this now….
I am so grateful to have people that I feel safe with!
So, where I am today with it all…
Where to start? A few months back when I was speaking with Lindsay I felt my Spirit tell me this while we were in conversation about my healing.
You have 6 imprints.
I started thinking about this and what I have healed so far. What I have healed were things that were very heavy on me and I knew straight out that the work of healing was coming about them. It happened as it should…as it came. I have been up and I have been down and I have been around and I have been nuts. Who am I? What the fuck am I? My entire existence has been my nervous system reacting to everything that has happened in my life. Not Eileen! So WHO THE FUCK AM I? What do I really think and believe? What is important to me? Why am I walking around like this? What am I doing? What the hell shit is this?
I have cried more in the last 8 months of my life than in my entire life. Sometimes by myself, sometimes with others. Sometimes in my car, sometimes in my bed. And when it comes…it’s coming…and that’s it!
My nervous system is changing and it's like a war. A war of who I was and who I am, really. I know that I am Eileen. I know the essence of who I am. I know that I am beautiful. This is not an ego thing here. I am beautiful. You are beautiful. We are all beautiful. We are just remembering this now. I am not those things that happened to me. I am a star. I shine. I have so much love in my heart for humans and animals that it can overwhelm me sometimes. I have so much to give and so much to share with the world. With this is the understanding that I help others to see that they shine as well. I have known this part for years now. Since my first yoga class, actually. That is my healer in me. I know that I am here to heal others. When I say this I don’t mean I do it! I am here to help others realize they can heal themselves and we do this together.
I am a child of the creator, but I am so much more. My energy, your energy is miraculous and I see this now. The creator has bestowed upon each of us, gifts. It is up to us to do the work to see and understand them. That is why I/we are here.
This shadow work is hard. I am not going to lie. But it is so worth it! I feel more like me now than I have my entire life. I have a ways to go, but I am ready….
I will end with my energy worker session yesterday….
He confirmed for me my 6 imprints. I have two more to go. Even typing this I understand that these last two are much more terrorizing to my heart and lungs then the others. I know that these will be my MOUNTAINS. Not that I haven’t climbed several over these months, but these two are different. These two are why I am still in fight or flight, albeit not as much, but I am.
Heavy, yes. But I am ready. My energy worker even said this…he was about to say….be careful what you…then he stopped…he looked at me and said…nope…you are ready…this is one of the traits that you have and that has gotten you here…head on…let’s do this…your survival came from this part of yourself that has gotten you here and you are ready.
Emotions come up for me just typing this about these last two imprints, because I know that I have been holding tight to them. I am not even sure what the second one is yet. Maybe I don’t want to see it right now. I know that my smoking has to do with these last two. My heart and my lungs. My fight or flight…goes right to my chest…my heart and my lungs. I am clamping so tight, but I am also ready to release it. This is how I know my smoking is coming to an end.
I will let these two imprints heal as I am ready. I will reach out for help from my healers and my friends. I will take each step and do what needs to be done….
What I do know…this is where my anger is…..this is where my rage is. I feel my chest now as I type this…yes it is…right there….
In the middle of all this work comes quiet. I love to be quiet. No noise. Driving in my jeep most of the time I have nothing on. Just me, alone. Safe and peaceful. Thinking about this…thinking about that. Looking at the sky. Being in the moment.
Yesterday as I was in that space, Spirit spoke to me and I know this because it was very peaceful and calm, and caused no anxiety whatsoever.
It is time for me to start something new.
It is time for me to do something different.
I am very excited about it.
More to come on that note….
One last thing, coming from a yoga teacher here…my yoga practice has completely changed in all ways. I feel everything now. It is not about doing this or that, it is about how does this feel? I see now certain cues that I was taught/and have used over the years have actually contributed to my feet issue. By not feeling my body I just did what I was told and now I am working on doing what feels good in my body. I will actually do a longer post on this in my next post.
If you made it to the end, thank you!
Have a fabulous day!
