Forgiveness…

I had a session with Laureen today and it was so great. She gave me a lymphatic massage first and then we went into session. She is so calming to my system and I trust her completely and I am very grateful for her.

A post or two back I had talked about my first day of training to become a tTRE/Neurogenic Yoga Instructor and on my first class day I lost my shit and it explains what I am going to talk about now.

I had unfinished business from that session and I knew it, but I was waiting for a space where I felt safe and this was it. I knew it was unfinished and when I would think about it during the time in between I could feel those emotions coming up, but it wasn’t the time yet to finish it out.

I spoke with her prior to the session that I was hoping that this would be my moment with her to let go and feel and boy did I.

I knew when it was coming and I even said out loud…’here it comes!’ LOL…

I will explain this entire situation now and what happened and why I needed to forgive….I needed to feel it first though….

When I was around 10-11 years old I wasn’t a stranger to an alcoholic father. He really was crazy in my eyes at the time. I remember even then thinking this is not normal, but it was my life. He would drink so much that God knows what would happen. He would go on and on until you would give into whatever he was wanting you to do with him. This time he wanted to go out and eat. Nobody was home except me so he followed me around the house upstairs, downstairs, through the hallway, and out the door. Wherever I went there he was saying let’s go eat…over and over again. Now mind you he used to terrorize us consistently in the house, but on this particular day it was just me. I told him that I didn’t want to go over and over again….and he would just not stop. He would not shut up…he was drunk and this is what he did. Finally after enough of this….I finally said I will go, but I AM NOT EATING.

At this point I am crying and I get in the car and let this drunk father of mine drive. People are looking at me through the window crying and I just wanted someone to come get me and take me away from this madness.

He drove all the way there and when we pulled in and parked I said go and eat, I told you I am not coming in. I watched him walk back….I turned the rear view mirror to watch him. He goes to the door and turns around and comes back and says to me ‘ If you weren’t going to eat, why did you make me come here?’

Now I was a little girl. I had no way of dealing with my father’s insanity. But something had changed in me that day. It was an imprint in my psyche from that day until today. I looked at my father and I wish I had a weapon….a weapon to take him out. I couldn’t take it anymore. For years I envisioned this in my mind. Pointing it and doing the thing I wanted to do. It was horrible. For years I carried this with me.

What could I do at that age? I had no control over anything. Even then I knew that this was not normal, but I couldn’t do nothing about it and the only thing I could do was pretend in my head that he was gone and that is what I did. Make it stop. Make the insanity stop. Make our house be livable. Make life bearable. Make it so I could breathe. Make it so I could live without fear. Make it so I didn’t have to be afraid anymore, and in my brain at the time that is what it came up with. BAM YOU GONE. I played that in my head for so long back then. I even knew it was wrong, but I am just being honest here. I wanted him to not be alive anymore…because my psyche could not take it anymore. I was done. I was done I was done. My little girl brain could not take it anymore….

This is what I started processing the other day and I didn’t allow myself to finish. The end of that process was me holding onto my dad with the you know what in my hand and wanting to pull the you know what. My higher self on the other side saying you don’t need to be here anymore. You are safe. So this was the work I was getting into at the beginning of the session today.

Wellll….I cried. I cried a lot. I was loud and I had to say things out loud to myself and Laureen. I could see my father. He said I am sorry. I said I forgive you. Laureen just followed her spirit and as this was going on (she doesn’t know that this is going on yet) she said put your arms in the air. Well that was exactly when I looking at my father’s spirit and was holding on. He said I am going to go now, and you don’t need to hold onto this anymore. I said out loud…”I forgive you daddy.” Through many tears.

I let go. All the anger and the hatred and the bullshit that I have been holding onto for so long. He left. I will see him again and he said that I would as well. I was no longer in the car with my vision any longer. I was pulled out by my higher self no longer screaming to take him out like I had seen myself do so many times in my head.

Freedom from something unknown to me that was keeping me welled up inside…for over forty years of my life.

I had to forgive him for my sanity. For my healing. I don’t need to be mad anymore. I don’t need to take him out anymore. I don’t need to want to pound on his head to make him stop. I had a lot of rage. I know he is happy now and that he was doing the best he could do. Now I am doing what I need to do to be whole and complete Eileen.

I had much movement in my body today, but it was unlike any other session today. I had very subtle body tremors. I usually have big movement and for parts of it I did, but in this one the last ten minutes were quiet and subtle movements from my under body/back body. And I just let it be and felt my body’s little tremors. I had these subtle movement through my fingers and mouth as well. All subtle all fabulous. I let go and let it be…I loved the feelings in my fingers so much. My hands are opening up. They need to open up.

I haven’t felt sensations in my body like this probably since I was a little girl. My inner child is healing and it feels wonderful.